Category Archives: beauty

I love bad advice….

Or rather, bad advice columns.

Wait, no. That’s not right. I actually think the advice columns are good, but the problems are crazy.

And therefore awesome.

There’s a rubbernecking, Victorian freak show quality to them. A feeling of moral superiority, laced with a tiny soupçon of guilt.

It’s in the same spectrum of entertainment as reality tv. What you’re thinking most of the time is “thank god that’s not me!”

And when that person does something that isn’t that crazy, a teeny, tiny voice says “OMG. I really, really hope that’s not me.”

It’s the rather neat trick of mixing both empathy and judgement, in differing quantities, depending on the situation. Because while most can comfort themselves with “I would never Botox myself like that”, everyone can relate to the fear of getting older.

The psychological and emotional benefits of a few years is wonderful, but the slow physical slide is less so. Ideally, during that slide, you’ve managed to work on accruing those psychological and emotional so that it just doesn’t bother you that much.

But if you haven’t…well…there you go, botoxed and spray tanned into Madame Tussaud territory. Money can’t buy emotional well being.

In all things, both physical and emotional, let’s always opt for more human and humane. Or it will be like this.

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Filed under beauty, life, television

The bar’s been set, and no, you can’t reach it

People in LA are, to quote Zoolander, “ridiculously good looking.”

It’s a bit like living in a television show…not something from the BBC, mind you, which still manages to cast ordinary looking people in their shows. No, this is like being in a perpetual episode of “90210”, the old one or the new one…it doesn’t matter. Point being, it’s very easy to feel below average here.

Years ago, I was in LA for a business trip and I found myself in the elevator with Tyra Banks, she of supermodel stardom. Before Tyra had entered, the other occupants of the elevator had seemed quite normal. Suddenly, it was as if we were all unwashed, covered with lint, and my goodness..don’t we look tired? The elevator was conveniently mirrored so we could appreciate the abrupt nosedive our appearances took.

In some parts of LA, every day is like being trapped in an elevator with Tyra Banks. A few weeks ago, I got coffee in a place where there was a woman who looked like Frieda Pinto, if Frieda Pinto was less attractive.

Remember when you were in school, and some classes graded on a curve, but there was always that one kid who ruined it by getting 100%? Well, that’s what LA is like, except a lot of people are getting 110% in looks, so the average here is so skewed that normal can look almost disfigured.

I can imagine what it does for the reluctantly single, as everyone walks around feeling entitled to someone who looks like they belong on a magazine cover. I mean, why can’t I have one?!? Look, they’re everywhere!

We can discuss personalities later…

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It’s a real product!

Perfume is a fantasy product to begin with; that’s why they’re named after desired qualities (e.g. “Beautiful”) or moods (“Eternity”, “Pleasures”).

Sometimes it’s just straightforward, like “Gardinia”. Or the name of a designer whose clothes you can never afford, but whose perfume might make you imagine you’re wearing the clothes.

Given all that, I have no idea what this ad is supposed to make me feel.

I mean, I know the copy says “Feel extraordinary” but really, whenever you’ve been in a situation that says “I feel alien” you’re usually not describing a good feeling.

Also, this model! It’s like all kinds of bad plastic surgery. What fantasy is this supposed to evoke? Botox + anal probe?

Granted..I’m sure that’s someone’s fantasy…

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At what price, beauty? About a grand, I guess.

Every beauty cream makes the claim that it will take care of what “ages you the most”.

So someday, one of these creams will put out the sun, because that’s really the thing that ages everyone the most.

And  after that, we will all, technically look better, because nothing is quite so flattering as dim lighting.

The cream should also neutralize right wingers, because I swear, their insanity have caused some serious wrinkles.

It should make relatives less annoying.

Friends more understanding.

Store clerks more efficient.

Bills lower.

Weather milder.

Occasionally, it should cause amnesia, because there are ex boyfriends that need to be forgotten.

It should make me more deaf, when music I don’t like, comes on in a place I can’t control.

It should shorten commutes, and clear traffic.

It should create world peace.

Fix the homeless problem

Neutralize obnoxious extremists of any stripe.

Fix global warming.

Do my taxes.

And it should cost less than $39.99.

Because anything higher than that would stress me out, and thus defeat the purpose of a wrinkle cream.

This litte jar costs $715.. No. I didn't leave out a decimal point. And no, I didn't buy it.

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