Monthly Archives: October 2012

Becoming a cliché

The thing about getting older is that the need to believe in your own uniqueness dissipates.*

Perhaps because at this point, you’ve had some successes and some failures, both earned and not. Or you have accrued some self awareness and use the internet (“Oh look! Me and five million other people really like this baby hedgehog picture!”)

I contemplate the extraordinary cliché-ness of my current mornings, as I sip my chia seed/kale breakfast smoothie after doing a bit of yoga.

Omg. Isn’t this exactly the thing for which people in LA are mocked?

Yes. Yes it is. Let me tell you about the state of my chakras…

Annnnyway… I started drinking green smoothies because I don’t eat enough vegetables.

I don’t like them and always suspect that people who insist that they do, are lying…because you know…cheese exists. However, so does guilt, which was instilled by my mother who always made me eat my vegetables.

So to efficiently absolve yourself of “not enough vegetables” guilt with minimal effort, I suggest green smoothies.

It does require that you buy a rather prohibitively expensive blender, like a Vitamix or a Blendtec. It also helps if you don’t have noise sensitivity because these blenders are offensively loud. The first time I used mine, I had to suppress a reflexive need to punch someone. (My chakras…they tend towards anger).

I buy Trader Joe’s mix of kale, spinach, and Swiss chard called “Power Greens”. I’m sure lovingly harvested greens from a health food store can also be used, but c’mon. The inspiration for this was laziness.

I blend water, about two cups of the greens, flax or presoaked chia seeds, and half a banana. Sometimes I put in half an apple or substitute part of an avocado for the banana. Sometimes I will use frozen fruit (this will make the whole process LOUDER though)

The banana or avocado is for texture, otherwise the texture will be swamp sludge instead of creamy. Since avocado isn’t sweet, if you do use it, make sure to throw in extra fruit to mask the cabbage-y quality of kale. I prefer bananas because they freeze well, and tend to always make the smoothie taste primarily of banana. Because trust me…you don’t want it to taste of blended kale.

Will it be the most delicious thing ever?

HAHAHAHAH! (See above comment regarding cheese)

But it’s okay.

* Those who still need to be the most special thing in the room as adults are what the rest of us commonly call “assholes”. Try not to be one.



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